Everyone has their own version of Life. Their own concepts about it. Their own ways to live it. And for those to whom it is unfair, they have their own ways to survive.
But what about those to whom life suddenly becomes unfair? Suddenly a pleasant journey becomes a not so pleasant one. And soon, it just turns into a struggle. A struggle they’re not prepared for. Complete newbies, they dont even know the tricks to get through. Ways to survive. They never needed it earlier so they never learnt them. But its not a choice anymore, its a reality they have to live with.
What am I talking about? What can this turning point be? Well it may be different for different people. For me, it was marriage. Or maybe I am talking about most of the newly married women? Do we all go through this? Do we all feel this turmoil inside ourselves? Or is it just that too much has changed around us? It could be one of the reasons. But is it enough to justify that unsettling feeling we get? The sadness we feel even after 6 months have gone by? The tears we shed afer an year as well? Perhaps noone can see them. Perhaps noone notices. or Perhaps noone cares! Its just what we e to live with, along with a lot many other new changes. Coz what we had, we left it all for one man. Our Home. Our Parents. Our sister/brother. Our Room. Our Friends. Our Job. Our Liberty. Our Freedom. Our Likes/dislikes. Our Voice. Our Life!
Yes, marriage does change a lot for us women. It changes us. It changes everything around us. Or maybe, it leaves nothing around us. Nowhere to go. Noone out to come to our rescue. “But hey, we do have our husbands, right? They will listen to us for sure! We can talk to them about it all. We can discuss what we”re feeling. We can discuss how unsetlled we are. We can talk out loud about our fears and they would be there to shoo them away. We can cry as much as we can on their shoulders, and they will wipe off our tears to put a smile on our faces. Would’nt they? Why not? After all its them who got us to their homes. Into their families. Into their lives. They would surely understand it all.”
Even I thought so.
And I went to him. To tell him how unsettled I was feeling. To tell him how new all this was for me. To tell him how difficult was coping up with this “new” for me. To tell him how much I miss my home. My parents. My freedom. My friends. My life. To tell him your parents are different from mine. To tell him your home is different from mine. To tell him your life is different from mine. But my husband subtly told me, “You should adjust”.
And I tried to do just that.
I tried to adjust.
But he never told me how much. Noone ever told me how much. Why? Why wasnt I told how much to adjust? Did the adjustment mean I had to lose myself to become one of them. Did it mean to needed to lose my individuality? Change my habits. My way of dressing. My way of eating. My way of talking. How many changes was I supposed to make? Noone told me where to stop. All I was being told was “Adjust more”. “Some more”. “A little more”.
And then happened a few things in the house that I didnt like. Certain tempraments I had never come across. Certain ways of talking I had never heard. Certain anger I had never seen. And then, I again went to the one I thought was always there to protect me. And he said, “Ignore”. “Adjust some more”. “They wont, they should’nt, you should”.
Why? Why does someone who already deals with so many changes, also adjust with certain things which should”nt have been in a perfect household anyway? Isnt it logical to correct those things, rather than telling the new member of the family to “adjust” with it? Why? Why should someone adjust with things which are wrong? My husband says he doesnt see anything wrong in them. Why would he? He’s been brought up in that house, observing those things which have now become a part of his system. He sees nothin unsual in them anymore.
But how can you expect the same from different individual, from a diffrent backgroud and a diffrent upbringing? Its not about good or bad upbringing. Its just about “different” upbringing. She hasnt seen all of this while she grew up. She was in a diffrent home. In a different atmosphere. Its not fed into her system as “normal”. So what’s wrong if she complains about it? What”s wrong if she cries about it? What’s wrong if she one day says “I cant adjust to this anymore, because its wrong”.
Is it so wrong to say the truth out loud? Can’t you even share it with your husband? Does marriage mean that a wife should look at everything and everyone through her husband’s eyes? Is she not allowed her own opinions? Is she not allowed to voice anything at all? Or is it SO difficult for her a husband to come out clean with his wife and admit that there are certain things wrong in his house. Certain things different. Certain things not many people can adjust with. Certain things we can adjust with coz its a part of your system. Would it be too hard for a husband to say, “Its Ok. You dont have to accept the things that are not right”. or “You dont have to worry as I am by your side and I know that if my home has certains rights, it also has certain wrongs, and you dont have to suffer the wrongs. Just follow the rights, and I will take care of the wrongs”. Or a simple “I will take care” !!!
Who actually takes care of the wrongs in the house? Who takes care of her from them? Who actually stands up? Who voices it? WHo is allowed? Who can?
You just keep on “Adjusting”. Cry if you must, but “adjust”. Coz only you will. For the rest, its the same world, same house, same family, same relatives and same life. All they have is a new member to take care off, while the new one, has to take care of all. But who actually takes care of her? If 4 members of the house together cannot keep one person happy, how is it fair to expect from the one unhappy person to keep all 4 of them happy? But do that she must. There is no choice. Try each day to keep everyone around her happy. Otherwise, parents would want to know from her why her husband isnt happy? Husband would want to know why his parents arent happy? Parents and husband would want to know why his sister isnt happy? Sister would want to know why her parents and brother arnt happy?
Not once does anyone notice that the girl, while trying to keep everyone happy, isnt happy herself anymore. And what if one day the girl finally says it out loud that she isnt happy. Is there someone listening? Or is “happiness” suddenly an unimportant keyword?
I am sure it changes a lot for everyone involved. But for the one who leaves her everything behind, marriage ends up demanding a lot more unknowingly!